LIVE from the 2012 Republican Racewalking for Presidential Nomination event!



Welcome to live coverage of the 2012 Republican Racewalking for Presidential Nomination! The winner will advance to the main event, US Presidential Election Horse Riding, which will take place later this year. And which we’ll bring to you LIVE as well!


For those who don’t know yet, Republican Racewalking for Presidential Nomination is a special event. And the special part is that it’s a 500-mile-long race. We’re not sure how the idea came around, but we were told that Republicans wanted to come up with something unique to better introduce us to their contestants so the winner would have a better chance in the main event, where Democratic opponent is already waiting.

We’re not sure here in the studio that this plan is working well for Republicans. First, choosing, and let’s be honest, rather dull and boring racewalking to find their winner, and then making it so long. We can’t say it makes for an exciting action-packed event. So, though we’re here LIVE and will try to do the best job, we’re really not sure how LIVEly we can make this coverage for you.

Without further ado, let us take you LIVE to the 2012 Republican Racewalking for Presidential Nomination!

There are four contestants left in the race after seven of them dropped out. Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich. Romney and Santorum are in the lead. They look reasonably fit and hold their positions well. However, it’s just walking, so we’re not sure how enthusiastic we can be about their fitness level. Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul are far behind. Fading badly. They’ve been expected to drop out of the race for sometime now, but held onto it against all odds. And against common sense because there’s no way they can catch up with the leading Romney and Santorum.

All four contestants are actively speaking to TV cameras and making rather insulting and provocative comments about different social issues. In the beginning of the race, they also addressed people who came to see the competition and show some support, but everyone’s gone by now. There’s nobody alive here anymore. Sorry, I mean only TV stations are here…

Anyway, we can’t quote any of the contestants because this is a censored daytime program, but it’s all very unpleasant and also rather bizarre. We weren’t able to figure out the purpose of this, though we worked hard to gather information. I guess it’s a lesson for Republican organizers of this racewalk to change it next time to something physically more challenging that wouldn’t allow contestants to talk. And we would also appreciate to see a competition more active and interesting than walking.

Back to the racewalking. Leading Romney and Santorum are somewhere around mile 350 … Aren’t they? I’m so sorry, but I’m not sure where they are right now. Some of us tuned out for a moment to watch, in the spirit of the competition, “Gone With the Wind”. We lost track of the race. Let me find out where the two contestants are … Nobody’s sure? Looks like other reporters tuned out to watch 3D re-released version of “Titanic”. All in the spirit of the competition.

Let me tell you this. It really doesn’t matter where Romney and Santorum are at the moment. It’ll be one of them to win it and this event is so slow, boring, offensive and illogical that there’s nothing interesting or tasteful to report. It’ll look exactly the same tomorrow as it did today. Till the finish line. Which is unfortunately still so very far away. You can connect with us on twitter and we’ll let you know who won. Till then, just do something LIVEly and fun.

Speaking of twitter, we got lots of questions from you about Sarah Palin and whether she’ll join the racewalking later. We know that, right now, she’s involved in a different project. She’ll play a leading role in an adaptation of the popular game “Dummy Never Fails”. The full title of the movie is “No Brain. No Pain. Dummies Never Fail.” Palin is very enigmatic about it but, although she has almost finished filming, we don’t think she’ll join the Republican Racewalking for Presidential Nomination. And before you all ask, the release date of the movie isn’t known yet.

Before we go, we need to tell you that, as of tomorrow, you can only watch the Republican Racewalking for Presidential Nomination event online since, due to very low and fast dropping ratings, we’ve been canceled on your local cable channel. We’re actually all relieved we don’t need to be here tomorrow. But we’ll be back LIVE to bring to you the main event, the 2012 US Presidential Election Horse Riding! So, stay tuned for that and bye for now!

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