“Throne Wars” – Politically Incorrect Racially Insensitive Bedtime Story

Political Satire meets Fantasy meets Bedtime Story first published on Allvoices – click here


“Throne Wars”


Once upon a time there was a suspicious looking black man wearing a hoodie. He was affectionately nicknamed Hoodie BO by his closest friends, but to people he was known as Obama in the Hood. His beloved homeland was overgrown by the Bushes and overrun by dangerous and venomous snakes Bush-masters. Injustice was running rampant, and the rich exploited the poor. So, with his gang of the Merry Man and Morose Women, Obama in the Hood went on eradicating the Bushes, snaking-a-way Bush-masters, and stealing from the rich to give to the poor – as all should be equal in the eyes of Mammon God of Wealth. “Yes We Can!” ballads about change resonated throughout the whole land.

In the end, Obama in the Hood and his Merry Man and Morose Women cleaned the land, cut out all the Bushes, and put remaining Bush-masters in the Special Care Zoo. Obama in the Hood took the throne and became King Obama Hood I. He married Lady Michelle from the far far away land of the South Side Chicago. Joe the Wise, a shamanic white dude who, through spiritual use of cannabis communicated with the spirits of light and goodness, advised and guided the new King. Warrior Princess Hillary of Rodham, with her Iron Hand armed with indestructible bracelets and her Lasso of Truth and Fairness, stood by the King to protect the system and justice.

Everyone was expectant and hopeful.

And everyone got disappointed.

King Obama Hood I found it was easy to take away from the rich and give to the poor in the past, but now, when he was the King of All, he didn’t know how to bring everybody together, how to fairly rule all his people. Even Warrior Princess Hillary of Rodham was becoming increasingly exasperated with King Obama’s lack of strong and decisive leadership.

And the new threat was approaching – dark rulers were coming to fight for the King’s throne.

Demonic Saint-Orum the Wendigo obsessed with eating women, leading his Holy Demon Army. Lord Willard of Fart-quaad (though his mama would still call him Little Mitt) with his Moronic Army wearing non-destructive magic underwear. Gorgol Gingrich of Gorgoroth with his Ogre Army. Kreacher Paul leading his small but ferocious critters.

Throne Wars were to begin.

King Obama Hood called on his Merry Men and Morose Women and they fearlessly battled Gorgol Gingrich’s ogres and Kreacher Paul’s critters. The King’s men and women were victorious, carrying only few bruises and bites around their ankles (those coming mainly from small but ferocious critters). In the end, many ogres and critters were tamed and domesticated. Other, more ferocious ones, as well as Gorgol Gingrich of Gorgoroth and Kreacher Paul, were put in the Zoo, the same one where Bush-masters were kept.

However, King Obama Hood’s army was getting tired after all those years of faithful service. Many of the Merry Men and Morose Women were suffering from stress; some went rogue, and some just snapped. In a violent way.

In the meantime, Demonic Saint-Orum the Wendigo was about to strike a deal with Lord Willard of Fart-quaad. Demonic Saint-Orum knew people were scared shitless of him, especially women, and he would never be accepted as a king. So, he agreed to fight King Obama Hood together but give the King’s throne to Lord Willard of Fart-quaad in exchange of being allowed to terrorize people with his Holy Demon Army from time to time, and being allowed to eat women on regular basis.

King Obama Hood knew his disheveled Merry Man and Morose Women didn’t stand a chance against united Moronic and Holy Demon armies. In a desperate move, he turned to his Black radical tradition and called for African Voodoo Black Thunder Spirits to destroy his enemies. Violent, bloody and gory annihilation of Demonic Saint-Orum the Wendigo, Lord Willard of Fartquaad and their armies ensued. Radical Black Thunder Spirits were so hungry for blood and destruction, they wanted to kill every single white person on earth, but King Obama Hood cast them all back to the Coocoo Spirit World.

Wars were won, King Obama Hood I kept his throne and kingdom, and life could go back to normal. But King Obama Hood knew that life before Throne Wars wasn’t exactly normal, that he was a crappy king, and he needed to make changes.

So, King Obama Hood I, Queen Michelle, Joe the Wise, and Warrior Princess Hillary of Rodham convened around the Oval Table in the Round Office at the White Palace. King Obama Hood declared he would renounce the throne and Hillary of Rodham would succeed him as the ruler. They all agreed it was the right move and Joe the Wise was fast to announce he’d be very happy to guide the new Queen through his spiritual use of cannabis and communication with the spirits of light and goodness.

Warrior Princess Hillary of Rodham was embraced as the Warrior Queen Hillary of Rodham. She ruled the land strongly and justly. She ruled with an iron hand. Literally. Nobody wanted to mess with her Iron Hand armed with indestructible bracelets.

Most Merry Man and Morose Women went away on deserved long holiday. The rest of them went to a professional clinic for a professional therapy.

Obama in the Hood (his close friends went back to calling him Hoodie BO) and Lady Michelle opened a community-oriented gym “Let’s Move!”, where Hoodie BO would often play basketball with kids.

They all lived happily ever after.

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