Revamped Quotes

Quotes and sayings.

Popular, short and pithy statements that condense common observation or experience into more or less memorable form.

That express a basic truth or principle.

That are supposed to contain advice or wisdom.

That are dull and condescending.

However, when shaken, not stirred, mixed and a bit revamped, maybe they won’t be so dull. Though probably, they’ll still be condescending.

Let’s give it a try. Let’s make these patronizing words a bit livelier and more entertaining.

Delivered to you each time my muse inspiringly hits me on the head, which, after a painkiller or two, is then ready for work.

 

ORGANIZING LIFE AROUND YOU

Original:

“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” (Sun-Tzu or Michael Corleone from The Godfather Part II)

Revamped:

“Keep your friends close and intrapsychic rage-sedating drugs closer not to physically mishandle the enemies you keep too close.”

 

DEALING WITH FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES

Original:

“Money isn’t everything – as long as you have enough of it.” (Unknown)

Revamped:

“Money is everything – as long as you have none of it for starting a business to make enough of it.”

 

Original:

“Money doesn’t grow on trees.” (Old saying)

Revamped:

“Money doesn’t grow on trees, you moron, it can be counterfeited by following instructions posted everywhere on the Web.”

 

Original:

“Rule No. 1: Never lose money. Rule No. 2: Never forget rule No. 1.” (Warren Buffett)

Revamped:

“Rule No. 1: Carefully follow online instructions on how not to get caught forging money. Rule No. 2: Never forget rule No. 1, or your poor life will suck even more.”

 

Original:

“Time is money.”  (Benjamin Franklin)

“I don’t want to make money, I just want to be wonderful.” (Marilyn Monroe)

Revamped:

“Time is a nonspatial continuum of irreversibly sequential events and money can buy periods of time designated for any given activity, like making yourself as irreversibly wonderful as Marilyn Monroe.”

 

GETTING READY FOR THE WEEKEND

Original:

Find a job you like and you add five days to every week.  (H. Jackson Brown)

Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired. (Mark Twain)

Revamped:

You not only embody a tired creation of God but God Himself needed to take Sunday off, so even if you find a job you like, don’t ever add anything to your workweek but add one extra day-off to Sunday, called Saturday.

 

Original:

Weekends don’t pay as well as weekdays but at least there’s football.  (S.A. Sachs)

Monday is a lame way to spend 1/7 of your life.  (Unknown)

Revamped:

Monday is a lame way to spend 1/7 of your life and watching football on a weekend will add an extra 2/7 of lameness.

Monday is lame, Tuesday is lamer, and after that even the calendar says WTF.

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